A list:

  1. I can make someone yawn from 107 miles away.
  2. The only thing worse than the alarm going off in the morning is the alarm not going off.
  3. The people who aren’t present are always wrong.
  4. When people ask for critical feedback, what they really want is praise.
  5. It takes more time and effort to figure out my income taxes than it does to make it.
  6. My bathroom scale hates me.
  7. Flies serve no useful purpose.
  8. I’ve burned a lot of good brain cells worrying about things that have never happened.
  9. The buck stopped before it got here.
  10. Keep your expectations low so that you are always pleasantly surprised.
  11. My idea of camping is a room at a Motel 6 with one outlet.
  12. If I growl all day, I’m going to be dog-tired at night.
  13. You can’t put your American Express bill on your VISA card.
  14. The quickest way to make a red light turn green is to try to send a text message.
  15. I really enjoy making lists.




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